Proverbs 18:8 Tongue-Tied: Choice Morsels
A Moment on the Lips, Forever on the Hips
Four pastors got together for coffee and the opportunity to share some of the challenges of their jobs with other people who could relate. One of them suggested that in their line of work they often heard about the struggles and temptations that others faced, but rarely had a place to share their own struggles and temptations. He said that they should take the opportunity to discuss the problems that were disturbing them, and all agreed.
One pastor confessed that he sometimes consumed alcohol in secret. Another said that he had started gambling on sports and couldn’t stop. The third pastor admitted that he was secretly attracted to a married woman in his congregation.
After they had unburdened themselves in these ways, and offered one another gentle words of encouragement, the fourth pastor set down his coffee cup and stood up to leave. “Wait!” The others said, “You haven’t told us about your struggle yet!”
“Oh, that’s simple.” He said. “You see, I’m an incurable gossip!”
Gossip is everywhere. Look at social media. Sometimes it seems like Facebook and Twitter were invented entirely so we would have more efficient systems for delivering gossip. We have television shows and even entire television networks dedicated to celebrity gossip. Listen in on some of the conversations around you at work or school or at the table next to you in a restaurant. You’re likely to hear something like “I shouldn’t tell you this, but…” or “It’s none of my business, but…” or “Have you heard the latest about…?” Somebody says something like that and instantly ears perk up, eyebrows rise, bodies lean in, voices lower. There’s just something irresistible about gossip.
A couple of weeks ago, I joked that if we stopped grumbling, we’d have nothing to talk about. But if we were to get rid of both grumbling AND gossip? We might all have to take a vow of silence.
And yet, the Bible takes gossip pretty seriously. In the first chapter of Romans the Apostle Paul is describing the predicament that sinful humanity has gotten itself into. He writes:
28 Furthermore, just as they did not think it worthwhile to retain the knowledge of God, so God gave them over to a depraved mind, so that they do what ought not to be done. 29 They have become filled with every kind of wickedness, evil, greed and depravity.
Wickedness, evil, greed and depravity. That’s pretty bad. That’s kind of the Mt. Rushmore of words to describe bad behavior. Then Paul lists some specific sins:
They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit and malice.
Again, pretty bad. Pretty big sins. Especially “murder” and “malice.” But the list goes on:
They are gossips, 30 slanderers, God-haters, insolent, arrogant and boastful; they invent ways of doing evil; they disobey their parents; 31 they have no understanding, no fidelity, no love, no mercy.
There it is. Right in the middle of a list of things that are “wickedness, evil, greed and depravity.” Gossip. Slander.
Or, again. In 2 Corinthians 12:20, Paul gives a list of things he is afraid he might encounter when he visits Corinth again, and it’s not a nice list:
20 For I am afraid that when I come I may not find you as I want you to be, and you may not find me as you want me to be. I fear that there may be discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, slander, gossip, arrogance and disorder
Think about that: when the Bible gives lists of sins to avoid, things that are destructive and harmful to us and to our community, it often includes gossip. It is not just a “little” sin.
The book of Proverbs probably has more to say about gossip than any other book. There are a lot of cautions about the way we use our tongues in Proverbs. I’ll give you several more verses as we go along. But let’s use Proverbs 18:8 as our key text:
8The words of a gossip are like choice morsels;
they go down to the inmost parts.
There’s just something so alluring, so delicious, about gossip. Choice morsels. Tasty snacks. Like a bowl of potato chips or a bag of M&M’s, once you start eating you can’t stop. There’s a reason we refer to the best bits of gossip as “juicy.”
This is such a good description of what gossip is and why it is so powerful. There’s a pleasure that comes from being one of the first people to hear some juicy piece of news about someone. We can hardly wait to let others know that we’re in the know. And more often than not, our listeners are eager to hear it. Why wouldn’t they be? It’s delicious.
But there is a problem with gossip. I’m sure you’ve heard the dieting mantra “A moment on the lips, forever on the hips.” That high calorie snack might taste good for an instant, but it has long-term consequences on our health. Well, this Proverb is saying the same thing about gossip. “A moment on the lips, forever on the hips.” It tastes good when we are sharing it and when we are hearing it, but it goes down to our inmost parts. Gossip has lasting and poisonous effects on our hearts.
When we started this series on sins of the tongue I mentioned my friend and seminary classmate Matthew C. Mitchell has a book on gossip. It’s called Resisting Gossip: Winning the War of the Wagging Tongue. You can find it on Amazon if you are interested. I’ve quoted Matt here and there throughout this series, but today especially I’ll be leaning on him.
And here’s his definition of gossip: Sinful gossip is bearing bad news behind someone’s back out of a bad heart. Bearing bad news. Behind someone’s back. Out of a bad heart. My plan today is to go through the three parts of this definition and then give some suggestions for what we can do when we find ourselves in gossip situations. So, if you are taking notes, or if you just like knowing where things are going, I’m going to make three points and then have 6 pieces of application.
Bearing Bad News
First, sinful gossip is bearing bad news. Gossip is the opposite of gospel. The word gospel means good news. As Christians, we believe we have the best good news ever. The good news of Jesus. We are called to spread good news.
But gossips spread bad news. Gossips share the story of someone else’s sin or shame. This bad news can fall into at least two categories.
Bad news that is false. Probably the worst kind of gossip is gossip that isn’t even true. Rumors. Hearsay. Half-truths and exaggerations. Inestimable damage can be done to someone’s reputation when we participate in passing along stories that are not verified, or which we heard from somebody who heard from somebody who heard from somebody else.
And deliberately telling a lie about someone else? We have a legal word for that: slander. Proverbs 10:18 says:
18 Whoever conceals hatred with lying lips
and spreads slander is a fool.
And Proverbs 19:5 says:
5 A false witness will not go unpunished,
and whoever pours out lies will not go free.
Next week we are going to look at the sin of dishonesty, so we’ll talk a lot more about bearing bad news that is false.
But this week it is important for us to know that sinful gossip can also involve bearing bad news that is true.
Some of us have been taught “It’s not gossip if it’s true.” Some of us have probably even used that phrase to justify our wagging tongues. But needlessly sharing shameful truth about someone else can be gossip. Just because we know some piece of bad news about someone, even if we witnessed it firsthand, doesn’t necessarily mean it is a story we need to be sharing. Proverbs 11:13 says:
13 A gossip betrays a confidence,
but a trustworthy person keeps a secret.
The secrets revealed by gossip are often the skeletons in someone’s closet that do not really need to come out. Just because someone actually did something wrong does not mean that we need to, or get to, talk about it with others.
I heard a quote attributed to Craig Groeschel this week that I thought was really good:
Everything that is said, must be true; but not everything that is true, must be said.
If we are going to open our mouths, then we need to make sure what we are talking about is true. There is no excuse for spreading falsehoods. If we are going to say it, then it must be true.
But, even when we know for a 100% certainty that something is true–we know without a shadow of doubt that a person did such and such a thing, or said this or that–that doesn’t mean we need to talk about it. It doesn’t mean we need to pass that knowledge on to others. Not everything that is true needs to be said.
Sinful gossip is bearing bad news. If we are in a conversation, and we are wondering if we are veering into gossip territory, here are some diagnostic questions we can be asking in the back of our minds:
- Is this story true? How do I know?
- Is this story mine to tell? Is it his/hers to tell me?
- Is this story bad news?
Behind Someone’s Back
Let’s go to the second part of the definition: behind someone’s back. Sinful gossip is bearing bad news behind someone’s back.
By definition, gossip occurs only when the subject of the story is not present. It is much easier and more interesting to discuss other people when they are not around.
Gossip is clandestine, hidden, furtive, stealthy, sly. Remember the two passages from Romans and 2 Corinthians? The ones that gave lists of sin that included gossip? Well the Greek word translated as gossip in those passages is a word which, at its root, means “one who whispers.” Likewise, the ESV translation of our key verse reads like this
8The words of a whisperer are like delicious morsels;
they go down into the inner parts of the body
Whispering evokes gossip. It gets at the secretive nature of this sin. Sometimes, when you catch yourself gossiping, you’ll realize you are looking around, closing doors, stepping in closer, lowering your voice so no one can hear.
That doesn’t mean that we can’t ever talk about people who are not present. We certainly can say GOOD things about people who aren’t here. Let’s turn gossip around and spread good news about people!
And sometimes we have to talk about people who aren’t present. In his book, Matt talks about a Christian couple who were so concerned to resist gossip that they resolved to never, ever talk about someone who wasn’t in the room. Nothing. Not even a positive word.
But that doesn’t work.
Sometimes, it is necessary to talk about people when they are not present, and even share bad things about them. Parents have to do that. Teachers have to do that. Elders and Pastors sometimes have to do that. Even friends and teammates and co-workers and neighbors have to do that from time to time.
If we see a crime taking place, or know a crime has been committed, it’s not gossip to go to the proper authorities to report what has happened. And that’s probably not something we are going to loop the perpetrator into.
Likewise, if we need to warn others about someone’s dangerous behavior, that’s not gossip. If you know someone has been violent in their past relationships, and now that person wants to date a friend of yours or one of your friend’s children, it’s not gossip to give an appropriate warning.
Sometimes we have to get some counsel from someone about our problems, and that involves sharing about the shameful things someone else has done without them there. It’s not gossip to truly seek out help.
But the key is to keep loving them even when we have to talk about them.
Even if they are our enemies.
Here are some diagnostic questions we can be asking ourselves:
- Would I be telling this story if he/she were here?
- Am I hiding this conversation from anyone? Am I ashamed of it?
- Would I want someone else to talk this way about me if I were not present?
The presence of gossip depends in large measure on how we talk about people who are not present and why we talk about them. Which brings us to the heart of gossip:
Out of a Bad Heart
Which is our hearts. Sinful gossip is bearing bad news behind someone’s back out of a bad heart. Gossip arises because something has gone wrong with us at the worshiping core of our beings.
Our key verse, again:
8The words of a gossip are like choice morsels;
they go down to the inmost parts.
Matt puts it like this: “We are attracted to the “choice morsels” of gossip because of something already wrong in our “inmost” parts.” (p. 29)
When we looked at James 3 the first week we saw the analogy of a spring of water. Our hearts, our innermost being, is the source of the things that come out of our mouths. Jesus said in Matthew 12:34 that it is out of the overflow of the heart that the mouth speaks. And Proverbs 4:23 puts it like this:
23 Above all else, guard your heart,
for everything you do flows from it.
Whatever our hearts are full of is what will come out of our mouths. The heart is the control center of the person. It’s the inner you. The real you. The heart is the worshiping core of a human being.
And it’s out of the heart that we live.
That’s why this series on how we use our tongues is so important. That’s why we are taking 6 weeks to talk about grumbling and swearing and lying and gossip. Because our mouths are a window to what’s going on inside of us. Our tongues are a clue to what’s in our hearts.
And if we take delight in spreading rumors and bad-mouthing others and being the one with all the tea, then that says something about the pride and the arrogance living inside of us. It says that we like to have the power of knowing these things about others, and the power of telling these things, and the attention of being at center stage. Likewise, if we really love to listen to gossip, that says something about our desire to compare ourselves to others and our need to feel superior.
All of this is a window into the darkness that remains inside of us. Like calls to like. We are attracted to evil because of evil already inside of us.
Therefore, the most important queries to have running in the back of our minds when we’re talking about anybody who isn’t present are the key questions of motivation and intent:
- Why am I saying this?
- Are these words loving toward the person I’m talking to?
- Are these words loving toward the person we’re talking about?”
Our heart motivations are not always obvious and, on this side of glory, will always be mixed. We might not be able to discern our own motives in the heat of the moment. Sometimes we will need to prayerfully go back over them, or even ask a wise friend to help us conduct a post-game analysis of a previous conversation.
Thankfully, our motivations also can be good and loving. Not all conversation about others, even about their sins, comes from a bad heart. It is possible for us to talk truthfully about other people’s bad news with a desire for their good and a hope for justice to be done.
Jesus did so without ever slipping into gossip, and he will enable us to do it too. Christ also empowers us to speak edifying words that give grace to listeners… We can bear good news, be up-front with others, and speak and listen out of a changed heart that loves God and loves people who are made in his image.
Six Suggestions for Resisting Gossip
Now, let’s get practical. Matt’s book is called “Resisting Gossip.” So let me close out the sermon by giving six suggestions for resisting gossip. There are lots of diets and nutritional coaching out there that give strategies for keeping the calories down; how about some strategies for resisting the choice morsels of gossip?
First, Pray and Weigh.
If a conversation feels off to you, if it feels like it is veering into sinful gossip, ask God for discernment about what is really going on.
Matt points out that we probably don’t want to call out every instance of suspected gossip that we encounter. Just like last week, when we talked about overlooking some of the profanity we encounter in the wild, we probably don’t give the best witness for Jesus if we become known as the gossip police. But there are several strategies we can deploy to steer conversations away from gossip or to keep ourselves from participating in it.
And that begins by asking God for wisdom to know what is happening in a conversation and for guidance in how to respond. Pray. The Holy Spirit is given to every believer to guide us into wisdom and truth (John 16:13; James 1:5). So ask Him what is going on, ask Him what to do next.
And weigh. Proverbs 15:28 says:
28 The heart of the righteous weighs its answers,
but the mouth of the wicked gushes evil.
Think before you speak. The wicked person says whatever comes to his or her mind. The wicked person jumps right into the gossip by adding additional details and commentary. But the righteous person ponders, considers, and weighs what to say before saying it. As people talk to us, we need to weigh what is being said in our minds.
Ask the diagnostic questions we gave earlier in the sermon. Ask yourself: “Is this bad news? Would we be saying these things in this way if the person were here? Are these words loving toward the person we are talking about?”
James 1 says that we should be slow to speak. A lot of us would keep ourselves out of a lot of gossipy situations if we slowed down to pray and weigh our words before we speak them.
Second, Avoid and Deflect.
(I’m just realizing that I said I had 6 suggestions, but these first two suggestions are two-parters, so I guess I have eight. Oh well, you can grumble about that later).
Proverbs 20:19:
19 A gossip betrays a confidence;
so avoid anyone who talks too much.
If we know someone is an incurable gossip, we may need to find ways to control our interactions with them. If we know a place or a time–like the break room at work–is primetime for gossip, we may need to consider if there are ways for us to avoid it. Same goes for social media platforms that become threads for rumor and personal attacks.
And when we can’t always avoid the places where gossip thrives, perhaps we can be a light by shepherding conversations to other, more appropriate topics. When your co-workers start gearing up to complain about the supervisor, ask them about their plans for the weekend. When your friends want to spill the latest tea about an absent friend’s dating life, start talking about a new recipe you’ve recently tried. Change the topic. Gently lead the conversation off the path of gossip.
Third, Cover Over an Offense.
If a conversation seems stuck on tearing down another person, we don’t have to dwell on all the bad stuff. We can emphasize the positive traits we see in that person. Proverbs 17:9 says:
9 Whoever would foster love covers over an offense,
but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends.
Covering sin doesn’t mean covering for it. Sometimes sin needs to be confronted head on. Remember, reporting a crime to authorities and warning someone who needs to know about someone else’s behavior is not gossip. But blabbing about those sorts of things to people who don’t need to be in the know? That’s not necessary. Protecting someone else’s reputation until all the facts are established is the honorable thing to do.
Matt says:
Sometimes the right thing to do is to say: “I’m not sure about that, but I don’t think that it is any of our business.” That’s a loving rebuke, and it is covering over wrong. (p. 102)
Fourth, Talk to People, not About Them.
We mentioned this in the sermon on grumbling. If we are truly concerned about the behavior of another person, and we feel it needs to be talked about, the best person to talk to is the one doing the behavior. A lot of the trouble our tongues get us into could be avoided if we followed Jesus’ advice in Matthew 18:15:
15 If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over.
Matt includes this story in his book:
There was once a minister’s wife who, whenever someone started gossiping about another person, would put on her coat and hat. “Where are you going?” the gossip would ask. She would say: “I am going to this person to see if what you say is true.” People soon stopped gossiping around her. (paraphrased from p. 103)
That might seem a little heavy-handed, but I bet it would be effective.
We need to avoid triangulation. Triangulation happens when person A has a problem with person B, so they come to you, as person C, in the hope that you will do something. Our goal should be to refuse to be the third person in the triangle. We can offer to go with person A to talk to person B, but we should seek to avoid being the one caught in the middle.
Fifth, Let it End with You.
If, despite all our efforts, we still end up learning a piece of gossip, that doesn’t mean we are obligated to pass it on to others. Proverbs 26:20 says:
20 Without wood a fire goes out;
without a gossip a quarrel dies down.
We don’t have to add another log to the fire. We don’t have to stoke the flames. Sometimes it might be best to just say nothing. Put the gossip out of mind. Choose to believe the best about the person being gossiped about. Choose to overlook their offense. Choose not to talk about it with anyone else.
And then, sixth and finally, let me urge you to Gossip Gospel.
Gossip is bad news. It’s bearing bad news about others behind their backs. But gospel is good news. It’s the good news of Jesus, who bears our bad news for us.
A pastor named Cole Deike writes this:
To the throne of God, Satan drags with him a cosmic bag brimming full of accusations about your sins, failures, and struggles. Worse yet, his bag is filled with true accusations about you packed with stories about your transgressions. [Remember, gossip can be bearing bad news that is false, but it can also be bearing bad news that is true. Satan is the Father of Lies, but when it comes to accusing us he doesn’t have to make stuff up. He has the goods.] If you are like me and your heart rate increases at the possibility of peer-gossip, how do you handle the thought of Satan — knowing far more than your peers do — gossiping behind your back?
Satan gossips about us. But listen to this description of what Jesus does for us. 2 Corinthians 5:21 says:
21 God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.
The good news of the gospel is that Jesus takes our bad news and bears it Himself. He doesn’t spread it around, He doesn’t whisper about it to others, He literally kills it by carrying it to the cross. Deike goes on:
In other words, the imputation of Christ’s righteousness is a type of anti-gossip: it is the counting of righteousness to a person who is unrighteous. When God speaks behind our backs, God the Son talks to God the Father about us in such a way that he sees us as perfectly righteous, not less righteous. That Christ talks on our behalf, behind our backs, is actually the basis of the good news!
We don’t necessarily need to gossip less, but gossip better. Not sinful gossip, but gospel gossip. Deike’s article concludes like this:
This is not a passionate plea for Christians to “gossip” less, it’s a passionate plea for Christians to gossip better. If you’re going to gossip in your church… gossip like Jesus. When you talk about other members behind their backs, speak with a flavor that leaves the listener with a higher-view of that member. When you talk behind the backs of church members, talk about the fruit of their spiritual lives — the progress, the work of Christ, in their lives. (https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/how-to-gossip-better)
Sinful gossip is a tasty morsel, but we do not have to indulge. Given what Jesus has done for us, we can go from bearing bad news to bearing good news!
